Birch and pine burn. The fire absorbs my gaze, but not the pain. For two months I struggled to maintain emotional balance while my fists struck this hated face. Sleep, so fleeting, confused the days, when reason could no longer constrain paranoia, and friends became threatening, calculating, with hidden agendas. Eventually, I decide to take a chance and trust the one who promised they would be there for me, who could ease the suffering and stop the fists that bludgeon, or close eyes that desire sleep. Why do this on the eve of my starting STEPPS therapy?
Staring into the fire as moonlight illuminates the mossy forest floor, I understand that no one can be trusted. But that no longer matters. I have the forest, the hills, and am not alone. Since arriving here with whirlwind mind and volcano heart, my perceptual world continues to twist. While gathering wood for the fire, invisible presences brush against me, and the lichen smothered branches now seem confusing in the moonlight—an indistinct gossamer web of green.
Throughout the night, wind and creaking tree keep me company. I focus on my breathing and reassure myself the pain will eventually fade. All things are impermanent, especially thoughts and emotions. So why hang myself or slice wrists with razor blades? Brother. Mother. Family. Friends. I won’t condemn them to years of guilt and hurt. But how can I live when alone, trapped in the emptiness of a joyless future, struggling to find meaningful work that pays for rent, for food?
Firelight shadows flicker across the open page of my journal. The words I wrote earlier call to me. Write. Write. Write. Distract your mind and focus your heart onto something else. Heal. And so I try to write the pain away, and draw hurt from the eternal abyss of screaming torment within.
Empty Words
Empty words
Which we chose to believe
Empty words
Never meant to deceive
We fill ourselves with promises that could not be achieved
Our true love an empty love
Cleave
Empty feelings
Shadows from our past
Empty feelings
Tenderness that could not last
Soon our feast of emotion became one of fast
A barren expanse reaching out
Vast
Empty heart
Filled only with our needs
Empty Heart
Selfish desires on which loneliness feeds
We lost sight of each other through me-me-greed
‘I no longer want you’
Decreed
Empty future
Filled with new possibility
Empty future
Untethered from the other’s inability
We realise and recognise our relationship’s unviability
And now we look out again
Futility
Empty egos
What we were was never real
Empty egos
With the world we make our deal
Never shall we trust again or find love of appeal
Our hearts stained a little more
Heal
Throughout the night, wind and creaking tree keep me company. I focus on my breathing and reassure myself the pain will eventually fade. All things are impermanent, especially thoughts and emotions. So why hang myself or slice wrists with razor blades? Brother. Mother. Family. Friends. I won’t condemn them to years of guilt and hurt. But how can I live when alone, trapped in the emptiness of a joyless future, struggling to find meaningful work that pays for rent, for food?
Firelight shadows flicker across the open page of my journal. The words I wrote earlier call to me. Write. Write. Write. Distract your mind and focus your heart onto something else. Heal. And so I try to write the pain away, and draw hurt from the eternal abyss of screaming torment within.
Empty Words
Empty words
Which we chose to believe
Empty words
Never meant to deceive
We fill ourselves with promises that could not be achieved
Our true love an empty love
Cleave
Empty feelings
Shadows from our past
Empty feelings
Tenderness that could not last
Soon our feast of emotion became one of fast
A barren expanse reaching out
Vast
Empty heart
Filled only with our needs
Empty Heart
Selfish desires on which loneliness feeds
We lost sight of each other through me-me-greed
‘I no longer want you’
Decreed
Empty future
Filled with new possibility
Empty future
Untethered from the other’s inability
We realise and recognise our relationship’s unviability
And now we look out again
Futility
Empty egos
What we were was never real
Empty egos
With the world we make our deal
Never shall we trust again or find love of appeal
Our hearts stained a little more
Heal
